"The breakup was even worse - people dig and dig and dig at you constantly. "So many people called my relationship toxic or they would tell me my ex wouldn't be into me, so I started believing that and getting insecure with it," they said. They said the constant comments and assumptions eventually end up killing the relationship because of the insecurities they create. "Having people constantly weigh in on your relationship - it just doesn't work." "This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with online," Paytas told Insider about having a relationship on YouTube. "No one should judge anyone on how they deal and process their feelings." "There will always be ups and downs in life, it's how we deal with the downs that makes our ups that much more glorious," they said. Paytas can look back at videos six months ago to see how much their life has improved, they said. "The best part about recording myself at my lowest, is I always come out of the darkness and I can show others, as well as myself, it always gets better." "We all are just trying to survive and the more we are open and talk about our struggles, the more other people will feel comforted and feel it's OK and they will get through the day, the week, the year as well," Paytas said. Even though some call them "crazy" or diagnose them with mental illnesses. They said they sometimes feel "so alone," so putting themself out there in such a "raw" way helps them connect to the hundreds of others who are going through the same thing. "I know now there are people out there who get exactly what I'm thinking, feeling, etc, even if my own IRL friends and family don't get it." "Some people say I overshare but it's the only place I truly feel heard," they said. When Insider asked whether talking to their subscribers through the camera helps them work through what they are feeling, Paytas said "absolutely!" However, in January 2021, Paytas and Dawson's relationship fell apart, after Paytas feuded with Dawson's close friend Jeffree Star. "Before that, I was about getting my face out on mainstream media wherever I could." "I think everyone was weirded out by me but once I got the co-sign from Shane, more people were open to getting to know me and collabing with me and that meant a lot," they said. Once Dawson told people about Paytas, it opened up the doors to grow their following, they said. "He had this big house and was paying all these actors and crew to make videos and his mom told me it was all from YouTube." "I remember going to Shane's house for the shoot, this was years before we even became friends and made our own videos together, but I was like 'What do you do?' straight up," she said. They said they first met when they were cast as a stripper in one of his early YouTube videos. Paytas told Insider they owed a lot of their success on YouTube to Shane Dawson. They told Insider the last 14 years have been carved out by always wanting "to be known." They now identify as non-binary and use they/them pronouns. Paytas has had a complicated history with their identity - claiming to be transgender and to to have Dissociative identity disorder in the past. They even manage to make a video about cooking scrambled eggs entertaining. No matter who Paytas is dating or who they are arguing with, their subscribers can't get enough, and they have penetrated nearly every corner of the online world. In Paytas' 12 years on the platform, they have grown a following of 5.1 million subscribers on their main account and over a million on their separate vlog channel. For over a decade Paytas has posted Mukbangs, extremely emotional personal vlogs from their kitchen floor, and gotten into more public feuds than maybe any other influencer - they've battled David Dobrik, Ethan Klein, and Charli D'Amelio, to name a few. Trisha Paytas has been an incredibly compelling character to watch on YouTube since they created their YouTube account blndsundoll4mj in 2007. Account icon An icon in the shape of a person's head and shoulders.
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